people find it scary when i tell them how much hell is coming out of my head and mouth. things aren't what i was hoping for when i found out i went through a copy of my test results over many cat scans about my mental health and my emotional health i never told my friends about this because i was afraid that i would be judged, mistreated, less important, rejected, majorly neglected.

today is the day that i have to cope and cry for 2 things that got my depression and bipolar out:

1. This was the day my grandmother on my moms side of the family passed away from breast cancer to whom i really got very close too not because she was the 1 who got me into art.

2. Medical records and the copies of how far i became someone who had deepest secrets about his health that nobody knew about til now.


When i was 13 my grandmother was suffering from breast cancer she was a survivor but somehow the cancer was too strong for her health so she gave up, the day she passed away was too overwhelmingly depressing. I ran away right in the middle of the everything in the church i was sitting in the car crying nonstop, my emotions overflow my mind completely knowing i was going to loose and fail seeing my grandmother physically.
When i noticed a friend of mom's she talks to spiritual guardian's and your own angels she came across my grandmother and i guess she was my spiritual guardian protecting me from anything that keeps my fears and what hurts me away from the negative crap in my life.
As to how in the hell did i cry every year at the say day that she died it wasn't because i remembered it i was crying because i felt like i'm so fucking alone it isn't that funny.

However to know why things aren't so happy when i'm on a anti-social situations or that i hardly visit my friends or hangout i blame myself for all the mental and emotional test results i get every time i visit the doctors for check-ups and tests.
Not to mention the list of every diagnosis, symptoms, issues, and crap:

Overly Emotional
Suicidal Bipolar Part 1 & 2
Manic Depression
Multiple Personality Disorder
Gender Issues
Thanatophobia - Fear Of Physical Death
Gerascophobia
Autophobia
Insomnia
Paranoia
ADD
Autism
Lung Cancer
Gender
LBD (Love Bipolar Disorder)
Mellow Dramatic
Rage Issues
Short Tempered
Minor Amaxophobia
Enetophobia
Hemaphobia - Fear Of Blood
Obesophobia - Fear Of Gaining Weight
Stress Disorder
Acrophobia - Fear Of Heights


I did so many researches to what's what the ones that have "-" in between are the ones i know 2 years ago the others that don't are recent ones and it just scares me that i have those.

People think i'm lying on these but HOW CAN I!?
this journal was here to rant and just fucking spread how far i felt, expressing how i really felt over the fact i'm suffering so you think that when we had that much mental stress over PMX do you think it was ok that i would try to fix that problem and knowingly i'm suffering due to it!
WHAT IF THIS STRESS OVERBUILDS AND I JUST FUCKING DIE SECONDS LATER WOULD YOU FUCKING CARE ABOUT THAT! WOULD YOU NOT FUCKING CARE THAT I WOULD LIE ABOUT THAT EITHER!?

I'm sorry i did that i'm just not myself anymore i finally gave up controlling my emotions i'm in the process of taking anger management and also taking counseling every week as much as i can handle.

My Clubs/Groups: who can understands: